I Don't Want Them to Change me
by NotJustAPieceInTheirGames
Summary: Peeta's POV of his time in the capitol and what happens on his return... Rated T for some violence


**A/N: At the moment this is just a one shot. If you would like me to continue writing with the rest of 'Mockingjay' and the healing process in Peeta's POV, review and vote on my poll on my profile :) xxx**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, all hunger games characters/ themes/ quotes are from the brilliant mind of Suzanne Collins ;)**

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I had to live. I promised Katniss I would; I would never break a promise to her. I couldn't. I wouldn't. I owed her that much. It was so hard not to just give up though, I honestly felt like I was dying and there was nothing I could do about it. I didn't know what to do anymore, I just wanted to be with her, hold her, kiss her. I didn't even care if it was all an act on her part; I just wanted my Katniss back.

The worst part was I knew what would happen; peacekeepers would come in, ask me the same old questions- my involvement in the rebellion, where the rebels were, what I knew of the arena stunt. When I wouldn't answer, for they wanted information I simply didn't have, they would beat me , electrocute me whilst chaining me underwater, kick me in the ribs while I was already writhing on the floor in pain. Then they would leave me alone for a few days, a week tops, only coming in to feed and water me like some kind of pet. They would allow me to heal some and then start the process all over again. It was torture. I mean, what did I expect from… well, torture?

Actually, that wasn't the worst part.

They were changing me, and that scared me more than any physical torture ever could.

All I wanted when I found I was in the games, both times, was for the Capitol to not change who I am, turn me into something i'm not and to prove i'm more than just a piece in their games. But they had even taken that away from me.

I don't know how and I don't know when I first started noticing it but every now and then a horrific thought will flash across my brain, if only for a millisecond and then it will be gone. Or I'll find myself doing something out of the ordinary. As if my life was ordinary at all anymore.

Just last night I had the most horrible nightmare; I'd had nightmares before mainly about losing Katniss but I was fine once I knew she was ok, so obviously they had come back now I was in the Capitol. This time, however, I had seen Katniss in my dream and it seemed no matter how fast or far I ran to reach her I just couldn't; she was too far away. It was only then that I realised she was running too and with a terrified expression on her face. I'd never seen her that scared before, not even on top of the cornucopia with Cato in the first games.

I twisted my head whilst still running to see what she was running from but there was nothing there. She was still running and checking over her shoulder every now and then, not pausing or even slowing down. If anything she seemed to be speeding up every time she looked back and saw…me? The truth dawned on me; she was running from me.

I stopped so abruptly I tripped over my own feet, which wasn't hard for me to do now with my artificial leg, and was left sprawled out on the floor calling for Katniss to wait.

But she didn't turn around, she kept running. From me.

I had never dreamed of something so terrifying. I could live with the woman I love not loving me back but being absolutely horrified by me? So scared she ran as fast as she could? And it took a lot to scared Katniss, especially now after two games and, as the peacekeepers had unknowingly informed me, a rebellion in the midst.

The nightmares would slowly get worse and more confusing; I would be holding a knife in my hand one night, have a handful of nightlock the next, maybe an axe or spear but I always woke up the same. Screaming for Katniss to run from me.

This carried on for some time until one night something strange happened. Instead of Running from me Katniss stopped dead in her tracks, luckily I was far enough behind her that I didn't just ram into her back. I stopped when she did, cautious to approach her.

"Katniss?"

I called out to her and she turned around and... _Wait, did she just growl at me?!_

A taunting, malicious smile spread across her lips making me shudder, and not in the good way she normally did. Her face started to change… she was turning into a mutt, just like the ones in the first games. I ignored my first instinct to run reminding myself it was just Katniss and above all, just a dream. However she continued mutating until the only resemblance she had of past Katniss was the evil grin still plastered on her face. I was so scared I decided to listen to my instincts and run the hell away from that thing.

"Get away from me you mutt!"

I kept running and then as I did in my other dreams, I tripped but this time I was being chased.

Just as 'Katniss' was about to leap onto me I sat up in my cell panting and sweating like a maniac. I reached for the water the peacekeepers leave me but found nothing there. In fact, wasn't the floor much comfier than before?

I waited for my eyes to adjust before I realised I wasn't in my cell at all. Four pale yellow walls surrounded me, a chair next to my… bed? Hospital bed. I was in a hospital. That explains the oddly sterile smells coming from the room.

The peacekeepers must have beaten me up so bad last night that they had to get me all fixed up before continuing to break my already broken body. I was sure I had heard at least three ribs crack and my shoulder make a terrible ripping noise during my last 'interrogation' if they could even call it that anymore; they had started to skip out the questions and just come in to pummel me some more. It was unusual that they were giving me the luxury of a hospital bed though, as they usually just left me to scream in pain while my bones et in all the wrong places.

I would have thought I would be under stricter watch too. I hadn't had an hour alone when there weren't peacekeepers or soldiers or even sometimes President Snow himself leering over me. I looked to see if my hands and feet were restrained and found nothing, I could move my wrists freely. When I tried to sit up though I found a bar across my waist restraining me. This left me in an uncomfortable position from when I had first tried to sit up and I was beginning to feel claustrophobic under the weight of the restraint. I began struggling against it to see if it would budge but this just made me more agitated and I started hyperventilating. I could suddenly feel a cold liquid running through the veins of my left arm and I instantly felt drowsy, falling asleep quickly. My restlessness must have set off an automatic sedation to calm me down. What they didn't know was asleep; I was much more scared in the world of my unconscious brain where mutt Katniss and other horrors lay. I fell asleep with mutt Katniss' face in my mind- not a good start.

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When I awake again, I am in the same room which shocks me as I would have thought the peacekeepers wouldn't be so kind as to leave me this much time to recover in this luxurious room. When three doctors loom over me, looking at me as if I am the most important person in the world right now, I am even more confused.

One of the doctors, who looks like the most experienced of the group and not just purely because of his age, asks me a question but I was so puzzled by the whole situation I didn't hear what he said.

"What?"

"I said" said the doctor who looked j st as exasperated as he sounds "I am Dr Aurelius. Do you know where you are?"

I thought for a moment. "Well um, I'm guessing I'm in a hospital... In the Capitol?"

"Yes, you are in a hospital but you are most definitely not in the Capitol!" Replied one of the younger doctors, a woman in her late twenties who definitely looked like a Capitol member; bright crimson hair, blue eye makeup, accent and all.

"Yeah, we took care of that, kid" The voice sounded an awful lot like…

"Haymitch? Is that really you?" Now I was so confused, I wish someone would just tell me what's going on.

"Yes, it's me. Bet you're glad to see my cheery face first thing when you wake up."

"What? I mean yes but… what am I doing here? Where is 'here'? Why are you here?"

"Peeta…" he takes a deep breath _oh boy, I can tell this I a long story_. "We are in district 13."

It takes my brain a few seconds to process this information and I still don't understand. There is no district 13, why aren't we in district 12?

I must have said that out loud or my expression gives it away for Haymitch answers me.

"After the quell, district 12 was bombed by the Capitol. It was destroyed; at least half of the district residents didn't get out in time. We ran towards the meadow where district 13 hovercrafts rescued us and explained that they had all been living underground and had an agreement with the Capitol that if they remained discreet they would let them live. You are in the district 13 hospital wing currently."

As I process this information, Haymitch talks quietly in the corner of the room with Dr Aurelius while the two younger doctors observe me whilst I just stare back at them hoping to scare them off a bit. They were starting to annoy me.

Haymitch and Dr Aurelius finish talking and inform me to get some sleep while I can. I momentarily forget about my nightmares and nod off almost immediately.

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I awake the next morning sweating from more nightmares, to a similar scene I did last time, with the three doctors in the room but not leering at me quite as much this time. I find the restraint around my middle gone and when I go to sit up the Capitol woman doctor rushes over to me to help me up. I feel weak getting help but she doesn't look like the type of person to accept my refusal of her help.

When I am sitting on the edge of the bed, Dr Aurelius comes over and does some basic checks; blood pressure, drawing some blood for testing, temperature and check my pulse. Just as the redheaded doctor flashes a light in my eyes, I see someone walk into the room in the corner of my eye.

It's Katniss.

I'm shocked to see her there and a range of emotions cross my mind and I'm sure my face too; desire, love desperation and then… fear. I'm petrified of this girl. This mutt.

She starts walking towards me but her warm smile quickly changes into that mutt grin and I act on instinct but this time, as I have nowhere to run, I rely on my fight reflex only. I walk towards her too, with purpose and wrap my strong hands around her neck. As I'm strangling it, the face of this mutt changes. First to my mother, then Gale- I had never liked him- then every different peacekeeper that had tortured me for these past weeks and last President Snow. But before I can black out with rage or one of the doctors can pull me away from this mutt creature, it turns back into Katniss. Sweet, beautiful Katniss; the Katniss I have been in love with since I was five years old. I try to stop my murderous hands but it's like I have no control over my body. I feel a fist connect with the side of my head, and I am soon lying unconscious on the cold, sterile floor.

What is wrong with me? Why did I just try to kill the love of my life? Why was I imagining strangling anyone, no matter how terrible they may be or what horrific things they may have done.

I let them change me, the Capitol. They turned me into something I'm not; a monster.

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